My husband and I are infertile. We are infertile. We are diagnosed with male-factor infertility and it has absolutely changed our lives. Like everyone else, we had a plan. We wanted children almost immediately after we got married. I don't think I even finished the first prescription of birth control. (Nasty stuff.)
We haven't been very private about our infertility. People know we want children, they know naturally it just won't happen for us, but they absolutely do not know why. No one knows our diagnosis. I strongly believe that as a spouse, it is a top priority to keep your spouse safe - physically, emotionally, socially, etc. That safety means different things for different couples. Sometimes, not talking about infertility at all is keeping your spouse safe. We didn't like being dishonest, though, about such a huge part of our lives. I remember coming home one day and telling my husband that I couldn't say, "Well, not right now" one more time when asked when we wanted to have kids. So, we "came out of the closet" so to speak.
Because we had a plan, and we knew what we would share and what we would keep private, people decided to try and fill in the gaps themselves. I have been diagnosed by more well-intentioned people than I can count. I am more than happy to field the questions. Quite frankly, I enjoy talking about it because ignorance runs rampant in our neighborhood. I feel like I might be able to keep them from saying something hurtful to someone else in the future if I explain the facts now.
The problem I do have is when people ask, "Is it you or him?"
The problem doesn't come because it's none of their business (even though it isn't.)
The problem is that by asking that question as part of their quest to "diagnose" us poor infertiles, the assumption is made that changing a member of the marriage would solve this entire "problem."
It does not matter if it is him or me. It is us. We are married. It will always be us.
Anything else just isn't an option.