The no good very bad day!

Okay. So insemination number 2 did not take. Not a huge surprise but disappointing none the less. Really I emotionally cant handle all that is on my plate right now. 2 jobs that are stressful. A nanny and a stylists at a crappy non paying salon. You ask why I stay? It should get busy soon? I also put a beautiful salon in my home. I do quite a bit hair here and I love it. The church calling is as stressful as ever. blah blah blah
Brad and I are putting the fertility issue in the drawer for a bit. Really it is the most important thing to us,I am so impatient so this really bugs me. Pregnacy isnt a short term thing I want it now!. It is almost a year in process. Brad is 30 next month. Sheesh.
I am thinking that with my stress levels and weight issues this isn't going to work no matter how many times we inseminate. I would hope that my doctor would inform me if my weight is an issue of these treatments not taking. I would hope he just doesn't take my truck load of cash and tell me good luck. So I am going to loose some weight, get a bit more healthy and see if our 3rd and last chance works. I have found that food is the only thing that makes me happy right now. Pathetic huh? I love nothing more then getting a bucket of wings and just going to town. I have no spiritual helps in my life right now, and really it's horrible. Their is no one to blame but myself with any situation I choose not to do something about. I don't know much about depression, maybe there are different levels and symptoms. I still clean a lot, and I get out of bed in the am. I still work and interact with people. I just am really angry a lot, and my fuse is really short. I hit the extreme of wanting to kill people or die myself. Not suicidal thoughts but just anger because of being impatient and being a huge DRAMA queen. Poor Brad is constantly rocked with my mood swings. No depression meds for me. Eventually I will come out of this. As for now. I have so much to be thankful for...