My little love bugs.

My little love bugs.
Bike park fun for Fall Break

Sunday, July 17, 2011

I can't sleep.

The last few weeks I have been invested in getting our adoption profile up and running again with our agencies. Mostly, I know that its a time consuming project to keep me busy with hair being somewhat slow right now. I think Brad and I will attempt a 3rd and final IUI treatment in the next few months, hopefully when we get our lawsuit money. I am exhausted and yet my brain is going a hundred miles a minute as I lay in bed.
My good friend and favorite client just found out that she is pregnant. I found out through her coworker who is also a client of mine. I was reeling... for hours, and now days. I am so sad for her. She has SO much on her plate with getting off of cigs and drinking, to wanting to loose weight, having the babies father take off when she decided to keep the baby and oh! getting fired, having no money and also recently getting diagnosed with MS. Im sad because decisions are now going to affect a baby that she has the privilege of carrying. I am sad because with no life to offer she as of NOW wants to keep it. I am sad because I want the baby and can't have mine own!
The discussion tonight with Brad ended in a stonewall of emotion. He feels sadness and regret and hurt for my gal pal and what she is going through. WHICH I DO TO. I just have a soft spot for babies and know that this will not be an easy decision. I am starting to feel the deep pangs of infertility sadness again and Brayden is only 7 months old. Nothing Brad could say helped me tonight. I still feel the huge desire to carry a child.
I met with Dr. Wilden and had a chat with him about a prescription that I wanted him to write for me. It helps with PCOS and is suppose to help with facial hair growth, testonerone, and weight gain by limiting testosterone in my body. Great news, is there is a med that can help. The bad news is that EVEN THOUGH I CANT GET PREGNANT HE WONT PRESCRIBE THE MED UNTIL WE ARE PREVENTING. So the only perk that I have with being infertile, now has been yanked. I have to go on the pill so I can help my horrible acne that has come from the one problem that is causing me not to have kids. It is so lame.
I guess that with Brayden the idea of me having a child was gone for a bit, and I was okay with that until this friend's baby issue hit so close to home. The worst thing about infertility is not having any control, but worse than that is the WHAT IF sinarios, What if we dont get to adopt?, or what if we only get one baby to adopt and he's the only child?. What if the treatment doesn't take, or we can't afford it ever! I am up tonight with grief for this friends baby. I want it so bad. I just want to have a life where I can make my own choice on when and how to have a family and then get it.
I want there to be justice, for the poor innocent child that will have such a hard life. I just wish that I could help. I am tired and alone. I dont' understand why Heavenly Father would send a person a baby who would make it so hard for that child to succeed. Brad said that maybe the baby will help her fix her life. Why would a baby have to be the ticket for self control? What haven't I LEARNED by the trial so far that is keeping us in this same crappy situation of being infertile. I would rather have cancer, because at least it would only affect me and I would know the routine and end result and insurance would cover it!

If their is anyone out there reading this post I DARE you to give me your best argument and pearls of wisdom in this matter. Thanks for reading.

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