Thursday, May 24, 2012
Can I tell you how much of a rollar coaster adoption is! Sheesh. The process is the high of the highest joy you can feel mixed with the lows of anger, devastation, fear, jealously and sometimes for me rage. I can be compared pretty accurately to the Hulk at some times. My family doesn't understand or know how to help. It is all I can do not to move to Canada when my sister AGAIN announces her 4 child in 6 years. I dont get the same reverence or attention she does, because frankly NOTHING about my situations is the same or ideal. Everyone is okay to tell family and friend the placement news but treat the situation with concern and reserve. When issues arise between my BM of when she thinks its okay for me to start on a baby after an adoption, or Why can't I have two adoptions at once, because thats what my BM thinks is best, it gets rough for me. Why do I pay absurd amounts of money to buy my family? Oh and then share the baby? I get so wrapped up in the horrible reality that I have no control of my life, and if I want a family I have to play this amazing game of "Selling my self to convince others for a baby". With that being said I am eternally grateful for women who trust Brad and I to parent their placed baby, I am grateful that we have been blessed with two babies as close as they would be if I could have them ourselves. I dont have to worry about a 5 year childless gap yet anyways.., or a phyco birth mom. We so far have been blessed immensely. I am here venting because as I compare myself with the IDEAL situation that is an elephant in the room I feel justified in my behavior. I am of coarse excited for a new niece to come. Obviously that is how families happen, but as of now I have chosen to limit family contact because its just not fair to deal with crap right now. I dont like how it is really hard for me to deal with a less than ideal situation. I get tired and overwhelmed on the alternative prospects. Why must my family be hinged on how I function in situations? Why do crappy people get children, choose to raise them, ruin the child's life and have no consequences? Why is my family afraid of me? I feel as if there is a wall up and I am not welcome to sit at the table. I know I am not alone in this thought process. I know that I am not crazy and extreme. I dont want to teach people what they should do and how they should act with an open adoption. Why can't things just flow? I feel like my life is 100% centered on getting this baby and what it means for our family. I guess that the anticipation is the only thing that can me comparable. I am grateful for the process, Elder Eyering this past april gave a great talk on Adversity. He starts off saying" If we have faith in Jesus Christ, the hardest as well as the easiest times in life can be a blessing." I know that I have come along ways, I know that this will all go away once I get to hold my little Ruby. I know that I am receiving a blessing of trust from my Heavenly Father to raise this baby. Are we not all his children anyways? I guess what the bottom line is of this post is sometimes that cold hard facts of adoption sucks, and we have no choice if we want a family. Birth moms still have to leave without a baby from the hospital, even though they have a constant confirmation that it is right and true. It is not easy for anyone! Not for the caseworkers, Myllyssa's family and friends, my family, or Brad's. I leave this post with a commitment to do the best I can with what I have, to be the most positive I can, because frankly I am tired of being in the LOWS of life.