We have been so excited the last few days. I met with a THIRD agency up in Utah which has been really great and so easy to get involved with. Anything compared to LDS is great I guess. Our info has been processed only for me to call UT to ask for the update and to get told that my budget of 15K. would not get me the baby that I put down that we both wanted. Wha? I was told a SECOND time from a SECOND agency that white babies are in higher demand and are more expensive and to expect paying at least 30k. I also put down in the application that I would love a half if not whole Tongan baby, which Lisa responded.... "GOOD luck". "I have yet to see Tongans adopt babies out to people". Well, obviously family culture plays a huge factor in that!
SAME DAY! my only confidant, and best friend FB"S privately announcing that she is expecting and that she understands the feelings and emotions connected with this below the belt blow. I spent the night bawling, snotting all over my bed and having several panic attacks that frankly scared my husband to death. The gun next to the bed has been unloaded and relocated and the pain meds have disappeared. Can't be to safe I guess. I find my self alone in the cold AM wondering if I should call my doc today and get some kind of prescription for helping the whiplash of drama, emotions, and angry blows that seem to happen almost daily now. I find myself not able to handle all this at once. I have ostracized myself from God and find that my only saving grace is now expecting. Don't worry because all that is said to me constantly is "Be happy" Just be happy!
Someone please tell me that kids are not coming, to stop expecting it to work out and then tell me that I get to live my life having extra money, time, and limited stress because kids are not around. I don't want to hear that it will happen some day! I don't want to hear that I need to be happy and just relax. I do not want to hear that money buys everything! I put anyone around me in a horrible position as of right now, because in all reality you have a child and I do not. I just can't do this.
IN the mean time. I am walking every morning because my clothes do not fit. I am applying to NAU for going back to school. I am quitting UltraSource because... well words can't explain what that salon is...and a whole lota other stuff to keep me busy and sane I guess.